Friday, November 4, 2011

10 Things I Would Rather Do Than Give Another Minute of My Life to Kardashian News

Surely the story of this stone maiden of Flavigny-sur-Ozerain is more interesting than today's celebrity gossip

The world has tilted on its axis this week.  Front and center on every newscast and every homepage of online news sources is that a woman who is most famous for being famous (that, and the size of her backside, which I’m sure is the same number of inches as mine, even if mine might be shaped a bit differently), has ended her marriage before her guests even had time to pay off their Visa bills for the gifts they sent.

In the two weeks leading up to my surgery, I had made a pledge not to click on a single entertainment story online when I could be doing much more productive things.  In keeping track with my vow to donate to a church charity I was happy to find that I gave in to that temptation only eight times – less than 10 minutes total of celebrity comings and goings.  I felt so clean, so free, so productive not knowing which homeless shelter rejected Lindsay Lohan as a volunteer for not being a good role model, which starlet is or is not paired up with which young gun, which old-enough-to-know-better celebrity is making a fool of him or herself, or which movie that cost the GDP of a small nation to make tanked at the box office.

Unfortunately, in the doldrums of recovery when I couldn’t be too active or do anything much more strenuous than work the remote control for the TV, I fell back into the trap.  But no more!  I have a birthday coming up, which means one less year on this planet.  I may not have met some of my goals yet, like hiking to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and back up, publishing a book, or fitting back into the size 8 of my youth, but I’ll never achieve anything if I give one more minute to celebrity gossip.

So here are 10 things I’d rather do than spend time on another Kim Kardashian (or any celebrity) news exclusive:

10) Eat brussel sprouts

9)  Wear lime green horizontal stripes

8)  Scrub and sterilize by hand the trash cart in the alley behind our house

7)  Stick a greasy, putrid shish kabob skewer into one ear and shove it through until it comes out the other side.

6)  Sit topless on a beach in the south of France in a g-string, with my meno-pot, hysterectomy scar, and all my pasty-white self hanging out.

5)  Attend a Justin Bieber-Taylor Swift double-bill concert, placing myself front and center in a mosh pit of pre-teens delirious with Bieber Fever and swinging their heads full of Swift wannabe curl extensions.

4)  Climb Mt. McKinley carrying only just a power bar and some Red Bull.

3)  Encase myself, neck to knees, in super-strength Spanx and then chug a gallon of warm water before sitting down to watch the entirety of Wagner’s Ring Cycle without intermission.

2)   Operate heavy machinery while under the influence of cold medicine.

1)  Give my true weight on my driver’s license.

Do you have anything to add to my list?  Or is there something you want to say to convince me of the value of knowing the situation with The Situation?  Please share with us in the comments box.
The story of the parents who incited this cemetery "souvenir" is more worth my time than the celebrity flavor-of-the-month.  It says "The book of Life is the Book Supreme.  We cannot close or cover its choices.  One would like to return to the page that he loves and the page where one dies is already under our fingers."


Ann said...

I love your top ten. Priceless! I just laughed and laughed. Fair play to you!

I too am sick of celb. stupidity and the media hype surrounding it. Have you noticed that the important stuff...the stuff that will impact our lives warrents very little media attention.

Nichole L. Reber said...

Your post has almost made me cry with laughter over here. Being in Lima, Peru, I'm fortunate not to be surrounded by American television, but I recall being home six months ago and experiencing that plight. How to prevent exposure to the Charlie Sheen fiasco and the Royal Wedding? I made a deliberate point to "feign" ignorance by not mentioning a single word of it. Because, as it is, even a single mention was still a perpetuation of the shyte, eh? I'm with you on #6: better to reveal my naked physique (more Martha Stewart than Kate Moss) in public. (BTW, I dig your bookshelf, have many of those titles on my own library shelves.)

Nadine Feldman said...

I'd rather get more dental work. Maybe surgery without anesthesia. I could get hung by my toenails over a vat of boiling oil.

Seriously, I watched a NEWS program the other night that omitted several newsworthy items, but included Kardashian updates. It's just crazy. Thank you for pointing out this current are of extreme insanity.

monicastangledweb said...

Whew. What a relief! I thought I was the only one who didn't give my true weight on my driver's license. I love the stone maiden statue. Would love to know its story.

Hope you're feeling better and enjoying a Kardashian free day! I ignore it as so much dribble.

Julie Farrar said...

I wish I knew the story myself, Monica. It was a fleeting moment walking down the street. I need to return to Flavigny to get the whole story, don't I?

Candice Coghill aka The Kindly Hermudgeon said...

omg, Julie ! lmao ! I'm so glad I hopped over here from She Writes :) Your post is funny beyond belief and especially #3. In fact, I need some Spanx right now to help me hold it in so I don't p.i.m.p. from reading that list ! Thanks for a good laugh, GF.

Muriel said...

Just like you, I have had enough of this reality TV stars who are so full of themselves. When did we allow this to happen?

Anonymous said...

If this were on Wordpress, I would say, "Freshly Press" this! Wonderful job!

Julie Farrar said...

Good question, Muriel. Some days it seems like we're fiddling while Rome burns. Doesn't France have privacy laws that keep you from being inundated with all things celebrity?

Thanks for the compliment, Kimberly. Maybe someday I'll make it over to WP. I know that's the happening format, but I'm technophobe enough to worry I'd create a complete disaster if I tried to change. Maybe that will be a New Year's goal. Something to do with all the non-celebrity time I'll have on my hands.

Astra said...

Well said, and not a moment too late as she will angst for months over what to do with the ring. This, reality tv and beer commercials are reasons I stopped watching tv altogether. The good stuff seems to get buried under it all. I was about to add "listen to Andy Rooney rant about the postage rate increasing" but since he passed away I shall let him RIP (...and besides, I DO admire him!)!

Anonymous said...

I can't believe you even have to give your weight for your driver's licence! What's the rationale behind that?

If you wanted to do no.6 you'd easily avoid the celebrity gossip because most the celebs that grace the covers of magazines here are unknown (to me anyway)!

It's the the cultural context within which we live which makes it hard to avoid, ignorance is bliss :)

I'd never heard of the K's until July this year, ironically when I visited NZ - they have it on TV in NZ but I have never seen them on TV here in France. I said to my friend who are these people and she struggled to explain.

Laura@Catharsis said...

Oh, this is lovely! Truly. I am SO SICK of hearing about these celebrities, particularly Kim. Last year it was Tiger. Before that, Brittney. I. Don't. Care. Why not tell me about someone who set the world on fire, huh? Not someone whose forty bajillion dollar marriage crashed after a pro-golfer cheated on his wife with a hundred prostitutes because some pop star shaved her head. That's how all these stories seem to me - like one big craptastic story. Hope you're feeling well, by the way!!!!!

Bella said...

Julie, first of all, I hope you're feeling better! That said, what a great post this is! Hear, hear! Really, can anybody tell me just who the Kardashian family is and why, for the love of Jesus, they have a tv show? I have to admit the first time I saw a photo of the woman's derriere, my expression was "whoa!" But today, coincidentally, as I stood in line at the supermarket, I saw that she was on the cover of Cosmo. I took one look at the cover and thought no way! Her legs were the size of toothpicks. Photoshop, anyone? Cause you and I both know there's no way toothpick thighs are holding us that booty! hee hee!

kiki said...

LOVED THIS!!! Another thing we have in common besides our love of Mr Urban... I want to hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon someday, too! Oh, and the size 8 of my youth would be nice also. .l.

kiki said...

and kiki is Nicki, your Oregon KU friend!

Muriel said...

I so agree. I have had enough of Kim Kardashian (can we send her back towhere she came from?). We have another one over here. She is called Tamara Ecclestone and is famous for no specific reason.
I am worried that we speak more bout such "celebrities" than real people. Sometimes I think that the world is getting mad!

Deanna Fry said...

I love it! But I must say, #5 may be pushing it a bit too far!

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